Wikileaks Releases Hillary’s emails, Causing Drama
A cache of over 100,000 confidential emails from Hillary Tinsley’s gmail account, most of them from the past three years (one third of the emails consisted merely of this coded message: LOL), provides an unprecedented look at the backstabbing treachery that goes on at Springfield High School in Akron, Ohio, brutally candid views of what Hillary and her clique think of other students and faculty, and frank assessments of dating relationships in the high school.
The disclosure of the emails is sending shudders through Springfield High School and could strain relations amongst the students and even teachers for the near future.
“Irresponsible leaks like these are deplorable and do not serve anybody’s interests. The perpetrators of these leaks may threaten the security of our high school,” said Assistant Principal George Parker.
“This is like oh my God, the drama you have no idea I mean the fallout, the craziness, it’s just too much,” commented Sloan Adams, future Real Housewife of Akron, Ohio.
In her first public comments since the weekend release of the classified emails, Hillary said Monday that online whistleblower Wikileaks acted illegally in posting these materials. She said that she was “aggressively pursuing” those responsible for the leak.
Hillary takes questions from the press regarding Wikileaks.
Hillary suspects that Julian Assange, who teaches home education/cooking at Springfield High School, might be responsible. Julian Assange is pictured below.
Julian Assange will not back down as evidenced by this quote: "We have the worst cafeteria in the state of Ohio, and I won't stand for it."
Meanwhile, Hillary and her friends have been feverishly working the phones, telling friends and acquaintances that these e-mails were taken out of context and do not reflect their real feelings and that words (like “that f’n whore”) can have many meanings (e.g. “f’n resourceful”) as more fully explained by the German philosopher Hans-Georg Gadamer in his system of Philosophical hermeneutics.
The emails reveal:
History teacher and Middle East expert, Donald Green, expressed his opinion that Iran was the “source of much of the trouble in both Iraq and Afghanistan,” Iran is receiving missiles from North Korea, and that this year’s final will be optional if you are happy with your grade at the time;
Building a case that Ibrahim Yalman is a terrorist (always asking which direction Mecca is?) and that he has set up an Al-Qaida cell in the lunch room where all the foreign kids sit (their Mexican);
An order from Hillary to her eyes-and-ears friends to engage in intelligence gathering, directing her envoys throughout the school to collect information on Billy, notably whether he has potential interest in Hillary;
An intriguing alliance between Polly Rogers Cheerleading Set and the Southside Burnout girls (apparently Polly Rogers has gotten into weed, needs a source, and also is an ecstasy freak);
Fragmentary evidence that Polly Rogers is doing the basketball team, which is so insane because everyone knows that they are like so horrible and can’t beat anyone, including stds;
Outraged that Ibrahim Yalman and his parents (who claim to be Christian, don’t look it) have so overreacted that Ibrahim is being picked on and profiled for being a terrorist (those people have no sense of humor) – “You say profile, I say vigilant!” “You go, Sloan!;” and
Detailed and exhaustive discussion on why Billy still goes out with Polly and what Bobby could possibly see in Polly when Hillary is just so naturally beautiful and fabulous.
