by Casey Flynn
In a Predator drone attack in North Waziristan, the US and C.I.A. killed Al Qaeda’s No. 3 leader, Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri, according to a senior Pakistani intelligence official (he knew this because they were Facebook friends). Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri was the chief operating officer of Al Qaeda and Professor Emeritus for Islamic studies at King’s College, Cambridge. He is survived by four wives, seventeen children, and thirty seven grand children. At the eulogy for al-Ayeeri, his family honored their father by promising to continue his life’s work. The family asked in lieu of flowers that donations be made in the name of their father to the Taliban, Inter-Services Intelligence “ISI” (Pakistani intelligence service) or Make-a-Martyr-Wish Foundation (your child is dying of cancer anyway, he has a wish to commit a terrorist attack, but lacks the financial resources …).
Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri's facebook picture
Both the Department of Defense and the C.I.A. hailed this as a great victory on the war against terror. The Pentagon employees came out of the gaming room at the Pentagon, where the drones are remotely controlled from, and hi-fived each other on their success of having killed al-Ayeeri. The Pentagon employees then returned that afternoon to their fifth-grade class. As an interesting side note, the unit cost of predator drone is 4.5 million dollars or the GDP of North Waziristan (if we do not factor in the opium trade).
The Predator Drone at issue shot two Hellfire missiles, the one took out al-Ayeeri, his apartment, the apartment complex, and the adjoining Wal-Mart store. As the attack occurred during Wal-Mart’s busiest part of their day, up to two Wal-Mart workers were killed (this is not confirmed because these workers have yet to be found; they are suppose to be in the store, somewhere).
The other Hellfire missile blew up House Of Falafel, known for serving the best falafel in North Waziristan. The CIA apologized for this mistake and said that they rely on informants to tell them about which sites contain Al Qaeda operatives. The informer who told them that House of Falafel is an Al Qaeda front was the owner of Falafel King, which was featured on Al-Jazeera’s Food Wars, “Who has the best falafel in North Waziristan?,” hosted by Mohammad Guy Al-Fieri. The owner of Falafel King was also displeased by slanderous remarks made by (he believed) the owner of House of Falafel on al-yelp.com.
Mohammad Guy Al-Fieri
It seems like this is the 37th time we have killed Al Qaeda’s No. 3 leader? Is this always a good thing that we have in effect promoted Al Qaeda’s No. 4 leader to the No. 3 position? Maybe Al Qaeda No. 3 is the lazy, incompetent one, the one whose mailing it in, getting by on his past glories. He shows up to the cave at 10 o’clock, spends the first few hours downloading veiled women on the Internet or forwarding humorous e-mails to his terrorist friends: e.g. “Hey everyone in your caves, damn it’s hot out today, Aljazeera says scattered sand storms, so bundle up, hopefully these hilarious how-to-change-a-lightbulb jokes will brighten your day. Looking forward to our fantasy field hockey draft? Maybe meet at the oasis later for a drink? LOL and Death to the West, Al Qaeda No. 3. “How many Americans soldiers does it take to change a light bulb in Afghanistan? After Congress passes funding to build a power plant …”
Meanwhile, Al Qaeda’s No. 4 is the junior executive go-getter type, an innovator of terrorism, wears a Lacoste turban, all tech savvy, wants to set up a terrorist wireless network between the caves. He just got the new IPhone 4 with this new app. which can determine what building closest to you would make the best terrorist target (on algorithm depending on size of building, people in it, and its relation to Western infidels). Of course when you go to this building to blow it up, the building is not actually there because those things never work.
So the next time you see a headline that reads US and C.I.A. kill Al Qaeda No. 3 or Al Qaeda No. 5 leader just know that we didn’t. It’s like a Zombie movie; Al Qaeda No. 3 cannot be killed, there will always be another Al Qaeda No. 3 coming around the next corner.
