CHINA TO FORECLOSE ON THE U.S., SELL U.S. AT STEPS OF UNITED NATION TO HIGHEST BIDDER!
by Casey Flynn

China has begun foreclosure procedures on the United States because of its failure to make timely debt payments to China. Obama called up China in an effort to get the United States out of the foreclosure process before the planned sale of the U.S. to highest bidder at steps of the United Nation, next Friday at 2:00 pm.

Obama: I’m calling about a notice of foreclosure that I received, and I’d also like to prevent the foreclosure from happening.
Representative (heavy Indian accent): What property are you calling on?
Obama: The United States of America.
Representative: Do you have the loan number?
Obama read him the loan number.
Representative: To verify that you’re the owner of that loan, could you confirm what your address is?
Obama (hesitating): Sorry, this is a new residence for me. Is it 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW Washington, D.C. 20500?
Representative: That is correct. How may I help you today?
Obama: I got a notice in the mail indicating that the lienholder, the People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC, has noticed the United States up for foreclosure at the steps of the United Nations at 2:00 pm, next Friday. But I just saw the notice today! Clearly we should be given more time, so I can get this removed from foreclosure, right?
Representative: According to our records, the notice was mailed out two weeks ago.
Obama: Here’s what happened. The notice got stuck in my GQ when it came in the mail, so it wasn’t until I was reading an article in my GQ, ‘The 25 Most Stylish Men’ that I saw the notice. And I was like what the hell has happened here. This loan should have been paid. So I called up Congress. And I find out that there’s this crazy senator, Senator Bunning from Kentucky, and he has decided to stop paying all of our bills –
Representative: — Sir, I’m sorry, I hear hard luck stories all the time, but your property is already in foreclosure, so there is very little I can do at this point.
Obama: I understand.
Representative: Thank you sir. So if you don’t have any more questions do you mind filling out our customer survey? It’s just answering a few questions letting them know how my service was for you. It would mean a lot to me if you’d tell them that I did a good job.
Obama: I would be more than happy to, but I do have one more question. On your website for People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC, it states that if a customer, which we are, falls behind on their payments, that customer should be eligible for your loan modification program.
Representative: Yes, but according to our records your loans are not eligible for that program.
Obama: Using bailout and stimulus money, I set up a loan modification program specifically for People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC, so that loans like this one would be modified.
Representative: Sir, according to what I’m looking at, your loan was deemed not eligible for that program. As I understand it, the loan modification program is not eligible for properties in the United States.
Obama: You’ve redlined the United States of America?
Representative: I do not understand what you’re saying. Could you repeat that, sir?
Obama: Here is what I propose. I would like to have a summit with members of my administration, the powers to be at the People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC, and Dr. Phil. Is it possible to set that up?
Representative: Sir, you could speak with my supervisor if you like?
Obama: I think I’d like to do that.
Representative: Hold for one moment please.
Obama listened patiently as the phone rang, thinking if they put him back into the voice message maze where he had to wait for over thirty minutes, he was going to momentarily lose his cool.
Fortunately someone answered: If you have been happy with your customer service on a scale of one to five, five being the most satisfied, please so indicate:
Obama (moaning) Three.

Potential bidders for the US at foreclosure sale:

1. WeBuyUglyHouses.com;
2. People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC;
3. Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Alsaud (Saudi Arabia)
4. Sergey Prin/Larry Page (Google) (intend to let Barach Obama stay in power)
5. Rupert Murdoch
6. Oprah
7. Famed House Flipper, Armando Montelongo, host of ‘Flip This House.’ (‘ Three words: ‘New Aluminum Siding.’ )

Get your Credit Default Swaps here (derivatives still unregulated)!

Obama and the Democrats have a plan to get the United States out of foreclosure. They want to borrow money from other large financial institutions to pay back and even buy back the debt from the People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC. United States, however, is having a problem similar to what Greece is also experiencing. Goldman Sachs, AIG, Citigroup, and other large financial institutions took out credit default swaps on People’s Republic of China/Goldman Sachs LLC loans to the U.S. and, in these credit default swaps, made a hedge or bet that these loans to the U.S. would fail. If these large financial institutions now allow the US to borrow money, then the bets they made on their credit default swaps will be wrong (as loans to the US did not fail) and then they might go under. And since they are too big to fail, if they do fail, the U.S. will, likewise, go under. So in either case, the U.S. will fail. If you understood the preceding paragraph, congratulations you’ve just earned tenure at Harvard Business School.

As a side note, the heads of these financial institutions are still contending that there should be no regulation of the derivatives market. Correction the new heads of these financial institutions are so contending, the old heads are on undisclosed, tropical islands in the South Pacific, enjoying mimosas.