Mormon Missionaries greeting a driver in a Taliban-controlled area in the Helmud district of Afghanistan.
Mormon Missionaries appearing worn and fatigued after completing their mission in Afghanistan.
Category: Afghanistan
Romney’s bold exit strategy for Afghanistan: Remove Mormon missionaries by 2016.
Posted by – January 17, 2012
Area with high employment and poverty (Detriot) considers hosting an Al Qaeda cell in hopes of getting nation building assistance.
Posted by – November 18, 2011
US troops to leave Iraq by December, doubtful to get security deposit back.
Posted by – November 4, 2011
Before picture: Iraqi home in suburbs of Baghdad before US troops moved in.
After picture: US troops claim a lot of damage was done by errant darts thrown during dart games.
Army soldiers are filling in holes left from pictures, darts, and bombs in effort to get security deposit back.
Bin Laden’s Diary Seized
Posted by – May 17, 2011
By Casey Flynn
What follows are the redacted diary entries from Osama bin Laden’s diary seized during the Navy Seal raid on his compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan:
- Had impure thoughts about unveiled women. Whenever I have impure thoughts, it makes me feel that I’m dishonoring wives one through four.
- Pakistan’s security services, the ISI, stopped by and put in a new bed with a sleep number mattress. I put the sleep number bed at 3, wife #4 (?) has it at 1; my goat, Benny, has it at three. The ISI usually stops by every evening at around five for turndown service. They turn the bedspread down, fluff up my pillows, take out the trash, replenish the mini-fridge, and usually leave a candy on the pillow.
- I’m really getting sick and tired of people accidentally calling me Obama.
Bin Laden sitting in front of his original Jackson Pollock No. 14, Gray just at the moment the Navy Seals entered his room.
- Got an email forwarded to me from a high school friend. We’re having our 35th high school reunion, and I was one of the classmates on the missing list. He asked me whether I was going to go, and I responded back through e-mail (sent by carrier via thumbnail flash drive from the FedEx Kinko’s, next to the Jimmy John’s outside of Islamabad): “Hell no, the only people who go to reunions are financial planners. The last thing I need is to be harangued by those people. Worse than waterboarding, lol!”
- I love my kids like any parent, but for the love of Allah, if you finish the last Coca-Cola, remove the cardboard container from the root cellar and put in a new 12 pack of Coca-Cola, so I can have a delicious, cold Coca-Cola. How hard is that!
- Al Qaeda cell in Minnesota was poised to take out major bridge crossing over Mississippi. Before the operation got going, the bridge collapsed under its own weight because of its age and disrepair. Mixed feelings.
- Wife #4 (?) is upset that we aren’t spending any quality time together because I’m all work. I told her you knew what you were getting into when we got married (within 24 hours after meeting me in a dark cave when you were 15(?)) because I told you at the time, and everyone knows, I’m a workaholic. Al Qaeda does not run itself. So don’t complain about it now.
- Website Idea: You have four wives, your marriages are in a rut; traditional Sharia law prevents you from having another wife. What’s a jihadist to do? AshleyMuhammed.com.
- So we had a compound meeting last night because there was a serious incident that occurred between two of our compound mates. Nazia, a girlfriend of wife #3 (?) has been fighting all the time with Malik Tarzi, who helps out with the goats and tech support. The unveiled Nazia mocked Malik by saying, “You go around bragging that you are this great suicide bomber and jihadist, but how great can you be, if you’re still alive. You’re just so full of yourself. All you do is take care of a bunch of dirty goats and know what control-alt-delete means. There’s nothing great about that.” Then the serious incident followed. Malik did not beat Nazia within an inch of her life for her disgraceful behavior. His behavior was both weak and unforgivable. Such atrocious behavior cannot be tolerated in our real world compound. So we called a compound meeting. We decided to vote Malik out of the compound. This was not an easy decision. Many of us do not know what control-alt-delete means, and therefore, the screen remains frozen. By ‘vote off the compound,’ we mean, of course, behead.
- Bin Laden’s last words were: “Don’t shoot me, I’m Cat Stevens!” Aka Yusuf Islam, pictured above. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens was also on the list of people to be killed.
- Say what you will about returning the Arab world to a seventh century caliphate where we all live in caves and live off the land, it is a very green option.
- Snuck down on an ISI helicopter to see Yousef Islam a.k.a. Cat Stevens concert. Decent seats. Was a little disappointed that he played all new stuff. I was really hoping to hear ‘Moonshadow,’ ‘Father and Son,’ or even ‘Peace Train’ (I know ironic). Lest we forget, I’m a child of the ‘70s.
- Invention idea: Muslim Compass Prayer Rug. What’s more embarrassing than facing the opposite direction of Mecca at prayer time?
- Saw that HBO show, ‘Big Love,’ with that guy, what’s his name, talks to the old lady in the ship-sinking movie, played the mean older brother, Chet, in ‘Weird Science,’ you know who I’m talking about. So everyone tells me to see it because they say it’s relatable about some of the headaches of dealing with a polygamist marriage (especially when you’re out of all the respective honeymoon phases). So I watch it. It’s just all right. It’s no Sopranos. And c’mon, three wives, I mean, talk about amateur hour.
- Asked for skim goat milk. Received 2% goat milk. Annoyed, but try not to show it.
- I’m a little down today. I just communicated with son #4 (?). He has decided to drop out of the family business, suicide bombing, and instead try to make it as a jazz musician. I mean, what a waste of a life! Does anyone even listen to jazz anymore, besides pretentious people who are secretly bored? After all the money we spent on his private school education at the Wahhabi madrassas (and it’s not just the cost of tuition, they pressure you to donate money), the summer camps, the tennis lessons, and his year abroad at Brown University. It really adds up. This news will be really hard on his mother, wife #… is it 3 or 4? Hmmm.
- I don’t get Internet or have a telephone line (the bundled package is just too overpriced), so we receive most of our entertainment from DVDs sent to us via courier. I was really excited to see the latest Clint Eastwood movie, but when I opened up the mail container it was instead a Reese Witherspoon romantic comedy. I’m this close to cancelling Al Netflix.
- If the bitches around this compound don’t quit their complaining and shut the f’ up, I told my boys, the couriers Arshad Khan and Tariq Khan, we are heading back to Afghanistan and are going to return to our man cave, and the bitches aren’t invited. Our man cave is located in a remote mountainous hinterland on the border of Afghanistan and Pakistan, so good luck finding us. I told the Khan brothers, it’s going to be like the good ol’ days (before we all settled down with wife #4). We are going to put up our dart board, have ISI helicopter in our foosball table, and just chill all day, smoking the hashish pipe and drinking Natty lights, and maybe hit up the local villages and see what the new talent of 15-year-old girls is like and chat them up (consistent with traditional Sharia law).
- It’s funny Cheney is right that Al Qaeda did have contact with Saddam Hussein before 9/11, and we tried to elicit his help. The only help he gave us was that he sent us galley copies of his 713 page book, “The Fortified Castle,” (”Al-Qala-ah Al-Hasinah”) as entertainment for our long dark nights in the desert. I think everyone had the same reaction: “713 pages, really? Does Saddam know that authors don’t get paid by the word anymore?” We would have used the copies he sent as door stops, but our mud huts didn’t have doors.
- Worked on new video declaring renewed jihad against Western decadence. They said I kept flubbing my lines, but the lines didn’t work, they were flat and trite. Need to bring in new writers to punch up the script. Also was not happy with either hair or make-up. Thought the dye job of my beard was too heavy.
- We got another call from the neighbor. Apparently our water buffalo broke out the back gate again and was in our neighbor’s garden. She was upset and was threatening to call animal control. Fortunately, Pakistan does not have that sort of infrastructure. I knew when my daughter brought home that water buffalo it was going to be trouble.
- So we have a compound meeting the other day. We are in the planning stages of numerous terrorist attacks on the United States. So I pose the question to my planning team, “How many Americans do we have to kill to get them to leave Afghanistan and Iraq?” Someone responded zero before 911. Ha, ha! I laughed. Hey, I have a sense of humor. Sure, we beheaded him the next day, but I agree, it was a good joke.
Egyptian Saif al-Adel is named interim leader of al Qaeda; “Hopes to have interim tag removed by end of the year,” says in statement made in front of blue sheet.
Posted by – May 17, 2011
Neighbors in the prosperous upper-middle-class suburb of Abbottabad, Pakistan where Bin Laden’s compound is located are more shocked that there was a 2000 pound water buffalo on the property, than the fact that Osama bin Laden was living there.
Posted by – May 14, 2011
Picture of 2000 pound water buffalo kept in Bin Laden's compound.
Wikileaks Releases Hillary’s emails, Causing Drama
Posted by – December 5, 2010
Wikileaks Releases Hillary’s emails, Causing Drama
A cache of over 100,000 confidential emails from Hillary Tinsley’s gmail account, most of them from the past three years (one third of the emails consisted merely of this coded message: LOL), provides an unprecedented look at the backstabbing treachery that goes on at Springfield High School in Akron, Ohio, brutally candid views of what Hillary and her clique think of other students and faculty, and frank assessments of dating relationships in the high school.
The disclosure of the emails is sending shudders through Springfield High School and could strain relations amongst the students and even teachers for the near future.
“Irresponsible leaks like these are deplorable and do not serve anybody’s interests. The perpetrators of these leaks may threaten the security of our high school,” said Assistant Principal George Parker.
“This is like oh my God, the drama you have no idea I mean the fallout, the craziness, it’s just too much,” commented Sloan Adams, future Real Housewife of Akron, Ohio.
In her first public comments since the weekend release of the classified emails, Hillary said Monday that online whistleblower Wikileaks acted illegally in posting these materials. She said that she was “aggressively pursuing” those responsible for the leak.
Hillary takes questions from the press regarding Wikileaks.
Hillary suspects that Julian Assange, who teaches home education/cooking at Springfield High School, might be responsible. Julian Assange is pictured below.
Julian Assange will not back down as evidenced by this quote: "We have the worst cafeteria in the state of Ohio, and I won't stand for it."
Meanwhile, Hillary and her friends have been feverishly working the phones, telling friends and acquaintances that these e-mails were taken out of context and do not reflect their real feelings and that words (like “that f’n whore”) can have many meanings (e.g. “f’n resourceful”) as more fully explained by the German philosopher Hans-Georg Gadamer in his system of Philosophical hermeneutics.
The emails reveal:
History teacher and Middle East expert, Donald Green, expressed his opinion that Iran was the “source of much of the trouble in both Iraq and Afghanistan,” Iran is receiving missiles from North Korea, and that this year’s final will be optional if you are happy with your grade at the time;
Building a case that Ibrahim Yalman is a terrorist (always asking which direction Mecca is?) and that he has set up an Al-Qaida cell in the lunch room where all the foreign kids sit (their Mexican);
An order from Hillary to her eyes-and-ears friends to engage in intelligence gathering, directing her envoys throughout the school to collect information on Billy, notably whether he has potential interest in Hillary;
An intriguing alliance between Polly Rogers Cheerleading Set and the Southside Burnout girls (apparently Polly Rogers has gotten into weed, needs a source, and also is an ecstasy freak);
Fragmentary evidence that Polly Rogers is doing the basketball team, which is so insane because everyone knows that they are like so horrible and can’t beat anyone, including stds;
Outraged that Ibrahim Yalman and his parents (who claim to be Christian, don’t look it) have so overreacted that Ibrahim is being picked on and profiled for being a terrorist (those people have no sense of humor) – “You say profile, I say vigilant!” “You go, Sloan!;” and
Detailed and exhaustive discussion on why Billy still goes out with Polly and what Bobby could possibly see in Polly when Hillary is just so naturally beautiful and fabulous.
US AND C.I.A. KILL AL QAEDA’s NO. 3 LEADER (again)
Posted by – July 27, 2010
by Casey Flynn
In a Predator drone attack in North Waziristan, the US and C.I.A. killed Al Qaeda’s No. 3 leader, Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri, according to a senior Pakistani intelligence official (he knew this because they were Facebook friends). Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri was the chief operating officer of Al Qaeda and Professor Emeritus for Islamic studies at King’s College, Cambridge. He is survived by four wives, seventeen children, and thirty seven grand children. At the eulogy for al-Ayeeri, his family honored their father by promising to continue his life’s work. The family asked in lieu of flowers that donations be made in the name of their father to the Taliban, Inter-Services Intelligence “ISI” (Pakistani intelligence service) or Make-a-Martyr-Wish Foundation (your child is dying of cancer anyway, he has a wish to commit a terrorist attack, but lacks the financial resources …).
Mustafa Abu al-Ayeeri's facebook picture
Both the Department of Defense and the C.I.A. hailed this as a great victory on the war against terror. The Pentagon employees came out of the gaming room at the Pentagon, where the drones are remotely controlled from, and hi-fived each other on their success of having killed al-Ayeeri. The Pentagon employees then returned that afternoon to their fifth-grade class. As an interesting side note, the unit cost of predator drone is 4.5 million dollars or the GDP of North Waziristan (if we do not factor in the opium trade).
The Predator Drone at issue shot two Hellfire missiles, the one took out al-Ayeeri, his apartment, the apartment complex, and the adjoining Wal-Mart store. As the attack occurred during Wal-Mart’s busiest part of their day, up to two Wal-Mart workers were killed (this is not confirmed because these workers have yet to be found; they are suppose to be in the store, somewhere).
The other Hellfire missile blew up House Of Falafel, known for serving the best falafel in North Waziristan. The CIA apologized for this mistake and said that they rely on informants to tell them about which sites contain Al Qaeda operatives. The informer who told them that House of Falafel is an Al Qaeda front was the owner of Falafel King, which was featured on Al-Jazeera’s Food Wars, “Who has the best falafel in North Waziristan?,” hosted by Mohammad Guy Al-Fieri. The owner of Falafel King was also displeased by slanderous remarks made by (he believed) the owner of House of Falafel on al-yelp.com.
Mohammad Guy Al-Fieri
It seems like this is the 37th time we have killed Al Qaeda’s No. 3 leader? Is this always a good thing that we have in effect promoted Al Qaeda’s No. 4 leader to the No. 3 position? Maybe Al Qaeda No. 3 is the lazy, incompetent one, the one whose mailing it in, getting by on his past glories. He shows up to the cave at 10 o’clock, spends the first few hours downloading veiled women on the Internet or forwarding humorous e-mails to his terrorist friends: e.g. “Hey everyone in your caves, damn it’s hot out today, Aljazeera says scattered sand storms, so bundle up, hopefully these hilarious how-to-change-a-lightbulb jokes will brighten your day. Looking forward to our fantasy field hockey draft? Maybe meet at the oasis later for a drink? LOL and Death to the West, Al Qaeda No. 3. “How many Americans soldiers does it take to change a light bulb in Afghanistan? After Congress passes funding to build a power plant …”
Meanwhile, Al Qaeda’s No. 4 is the junior executive go-getter type, an innovator of terrorism, wears a Lacoste turban, all tech savvy, wants to set up a terrorist wireless network between the caves. He just got the new IPhone 4 with this new app. which can determine what building closest to you would make the best terrorist target (on algorithm depending on size of building, people in it, and its relation to Western infidels). Of course when you go to this building to blow it up, the building is not actually there because those things never work.
So the next time you see a headline that reads US and C.I.A. kill Al Qaeda No. 3 or Al Qaeda No. 5 leader just know that we didn’t. It’s like a Zombie movie; Al Qaeda No. 3 cannot be killed, there will always be another Al Qaeda No. 3 coming around the next corner.