Obama's Press Secretary: "Inability for Obama's entourage to pay for prostitutes might reflect badly on the US's credit worthiness. This is something Republicans in Congress need to consider."
Category: 2012
Obama’s press secretary explained that Secret Service agent was unable to pay for prostitute because of draconian Republican cuts in the secret service’s whore procurement budget.
Posted by – April 14, 2012
In an effort to bolster George Zimmerman’s self-defense story, Fox News reported that enhanced video of George Zimmerman being led into a Florida police station appears to show possible injuries to the back of his head. If true, this would constitute the worst ever justification made for a self-defense killing.
Posted by – April 9, 2012
George Zimmerman, the Alfred Dreyfus of 2nd Amendment gun rights, has become Fox News cause célèbre.
Supreme Court expected to strike Obamacare as unconstitutional, holding insurance companies have the right to stand their ground, shoot the uninsured, and then deny them coverage for this pre-existing condition.
Posted by – April 5, 2012
"How many Congressmen does it take to change a lightbulb?" Justice Scalia asked the Solicitor General during oral arguments for Obamacare, and then answered his own question with: "They don't have the power to do that under my reading of the commerce clause." Scalia then scratched the back of his head with a nine-millimeter handgun.
Mitt, what say you?
Posted by – January 31, 2012
by Casey Flynn
Romney will have to make an argument against Obama’s case for reelection, which is as follows: (1) Killing Osama Bin Laden; (2) Getting us out of Iraq; (3) Stock Market up 60% since Obama took office; (4) the employment rate has been coming down since October 2009 (which is still Bush’s fiscal year) and over 4,400,000 jobs were lost before Obama took office; (5) Saving the American Auto Industry; (6) Never Raised Federal Income Taxes (if he’s a socialist, he’s not very good at it); and (7) Passing in effect Romneycare, based on the Massachusetts health care plan, which provides top-quality, universal health care for all of Massachusetts citizens, with cost savings.
Mitt, what say you?
Mitt might want to start with his signature accomplishment while Governor of Massachusetts: Romneycare. He should then point out the difference between Romneycare and Obamacare? One is a government attempt to take over healthcare and socialize medicine; the other was signed into law by a Muslim.
In fact, Romney will have a difficult time distinguishing Romneycare from Obamacare considering Obama used the find and replace function for the Romneycare legislation and replaced ‘Romney’ with the word ‘Obama,’ then increased the spacing and widened the margins (to make it look more impressive), and then moved on to the next item on his to-do list: Killing Osama Bin Laden.
He could make the case that he’s better suited to be the Commander-in-Chief by just pointing to his stellar … uhm
Romney got a deferment from the Vietnam War to do Mormon missionary work in the South of France where he lived in a modest beach front villa. Hello, Swift Boaters, knock, knock, are you awake? Any advert. money left over for this piece of work? Well that’s unfair, Obama’s a no good pacifist community organizer … who organized the intelligence community to kill Osama bin Laden, right?
While working as a Mormon missionary in Bordeaux, he abstained from red wine and vigorously defended America's war in Vietnam. Mormon converts: zero.
Romney then may want to point to his business experience with Bain Capital where he … uhm … okay . . . let’s just say the character of Gordon Gecko in the movie, ‘Wall Street’ was based in part on Mitt Romney’s hair. Let me put it this way, Bain Capital is to jobs what Obama is to Osama Bin Laden. If you need a hint, the word rhymes with the last name of comedian Phyllis Diller.
Phyllis Diller is not dead.
In the key swing state of Michigan, he should point out that he is the son of a former governor, and if he had his way, we’d all be seeing a Detroit Lions football game at Hyundai Field, enjoying delicious kimchi. He should characterize this as a good thing because, historically-speaking, great manufacturing powers do not have their own auto companies.
Mitt Romney gives speech defending Bain Capital: “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures, the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge, has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed, you mark my words, will not only save Teldar Paper, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the U.S.A.”
Posted by – January 31, 2012
Romney, shown above, giving his now famous "Greed is Good" speech in defense of Bain Capital at a Hostess factory outside of Tampa, Florida.
Romney shown here speaking with shareholders of Teldar Paper. After acquiring Teldar Paper, Bain Capital sold off its assets to a paper plane company, making record profits for its investors.
Romney’s bold exit strategy for Afghanistan: Remove Mormon missionaries by 2016.
Posted by – January 17, 2012
Mormon Missionaries greeting a driver in a Taliban-controlled area in the Helmud district of Afghanistan.
Mormon Missionaries appearing worn and fatigued after completing their mission in Afghanistan.
In last night’s debate, Romney stressed that Bain Capital has started many great businesses, notably, Dunder Mifflin, Inc..
Posted by – January 17, 2012
Bain Capital helped start Dunder Mifflin Inc., a micro-cap regional paper and office supply distributor with branches in five states.
Gloria Allred is running late night cable ads: “If you’ve been groped by a Republican Presidential candidate, call right now because you may be entitled to monetary damages.”
Posted by – December 3, 2011
For simplicity, Gloria Allred's assistants only tell her when she's not in a press conference.
Gingrich takes turn as frontrunner
Posted by – December 3, 2011
by Casey Flynn
Gingrich smiling for the cameras.
Newt Gingrich has taken his turn as front runner for the Republican nomination for the 2012 Presidency. His lead in the polls may last longer than expected because Herman Cain has suspended his campaign, with pay, not unlike what has happened with every other position he’s held (because of sexual-harassment allegations). Senator Santorum of Pennsylvania is unlikely to ever surge in the polls because his name is too close to Sandusky of Pennsylvania. Ron Paul is slated to be the next front runner, which seems slightly less implausible than someone who wrote books entitled, “Quotations from Speaker Newt,” “Lessons Learned The Hard Way,” and “A Contract with the Earth” (written with L. Ron Hubbard, Jr.), leading in the polls. Some doubt that Ron Paul will get his chance as front runner because he has been accused of poking women in inappropriate places (though he has given the now standard defense of: “I’m a board-certified gynecologist for Chrissake!”) Jon Huntsman, the conservative Mormon ex-governor of Utah, is still too liberal to ever lead in the polls.
Now that Newt Gingrich has taken the lead, the press is looking at him with greater scrutiny and posing the tough questions.
How are Newt Gingrich and Herman Cain different? Newt Gingrich has never sustained a 13-year-relationship with a woman.
How are Newt Gingrich and John Edwards different? Volume; that is, Newt Gingrich has cheated on and left more dying wives than John Edwards.
How are Newt Gingrich and Romney different? Newt Gingrich had three wives at different times.
In fact, Newt Gingrich has had three wives, that’s two less than Osama Bin Laden.
Like Bin Laden and consistent with Sharia law, Newt only lives with the youngest and most attractive wife. So there you go, we have some common ground with the Islamic terrorists; maybe we can build on that. C’mon guys, when you heard that Osama bin Laden had five wives but only invited the youngest and most attractive one to his man cave, we were all thinking the same thing, “(though he’s still pure evil), well yeah that makes sense.”
Newt Gingrich is against gay marriage. Well if gay means ‘happy,’ that makes sense, considering his track record of three marriages.
Newt Gingrich’s Secret Service name: “The Marriage Counselor.”
Did you hear how Newt Gingrich explained away making $1.6 million as a consultant for Freddie Mac, the government mortgage finance entity that Republicans claim caused the housing crisis?
He says that was a mistake, he was actually doing consulting work for Bernie Mac the comedian. Newt said, “Just ask him … oh he’s dead … that’s too bad … I was hoping he would confirm that. Oh well.”
The actual reason he gave for why he made the $1.6 million working for Freddie Mac was even more ridiculous.
He said that Freddie Mac hired him as a historian. Well that makes no sense. Freddie Mac got in trouble for giving out loans to people who had no credit history, not because they gave out loans to people who didn’t know history.
Gingrich wants to hold himself out as the fiscal conservative candidate.
He had a $500,000 line of credit at Tiffany’s. The only other two people who had such a large line of credit from Tiffany’s were: Sarah Ferguson and MC Hammer.
I would be hard-pressed to spend $500,000 to buy something at Tiffany’s even if they were selling Tiffany, the singer , of ‘I think were alone now’ fame.
If this is the new definition of fiscal conservative, I suggest he makes his running mate: Zsa Zsa Gabor (to use a Johnny Carson punchline).
